We are all counselors
I am not a professional therapist. But I have had many opportunities to give counsel. To state the obvious, we all have always had a little more experience and wisdom than someone with less. As followers of Jesus, and members of his body, we are encouraged to live life together, spurring one another on to love and good works (Hebrews 10:24, NIV).
I remember a time about 25 years ago when a married couple we knew was in trouble. A different friend was a marriage and family therapist, and my husband and I asked him for some guidance on how to talk to this couple when they came to us for counsel. It was discouraging to find that he had little advice for us. We needed just a few prompts to get the ball rolling and get them talking to each other. They eventually went to marriage counseling, but their marriage ultimately failed. I have often wondered if there had been more time spent with good counsel from friends earlier on, if they maybe could have made it.
Kirk and I have just completed a training that we paid $250 for, and it was very helpful. But do we as just general members of a church need to spend money to learn the skills to help one another? I do wish we had a little manual for this. Especially as it relates to marriage and parenting.
There are 3 layers of what I will call “Friendship Counsel.”
Set an example and be transparent: Create safety by being transparent about your own struggles and how you overcame them. Live out your marriage and family life in such a way that younger, less experienced families can come alongside you and learn from you. Many things are caught and not taught. Have them in your home, spend time investing in them.
Listen. Sometimes all a couple needs is to have a safe place to process what they are going through. This may happen with just the wife, or just the husband, so be careful not to encourage more damage with your responses.
Intentional conversations: If a couple is struggling, set up time to ask good questions, and maybe commit to some follow up. Here are some examples that will get them talking and evaluating:
A. Ask couples what they think their strengths are, either individually or collectively. Have them talk about that as a positive point of connection before you get into the hard stuff.
B. Have couples ask each other these questions (and ask them to do it regularly) - On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best, where would you rate our relationship? Follow up with, how can we move that up 1 or 2 points?
C. Have one partner write down a wishlist of 2 or 3 things they would like to see change in their marriage. Have them tell how they would feel if those changes took place. Now have the partner repeat back what the other said, and then switch turns.
Know your limits. If you feel out of your depth, the next step may be to advise they speak to a pastor. If more serious issues like abuse, neglect, or mental illness are present, they should probably seek out a professional therapist.
There is a lot more to be said about this, maybe a bit more will come in the form of a booklet. Wouldn’t that be great, to have a little resource that was easy to learn from as a guide to help others?
Hang in there with the couples that trust you. Pray for them. Meet with them. Hang out with them. The commitment you make most likely will have lasting impact. And you just may be training the next generation of Friendship Counselors.